running...

I was running the other day (ya ya, pick yourselves up off the floor) and totally ready to quit and just walk the rest of the way home. It was up hill, I was just done and ready to be home. Then the song "Running" by Christ for the Nations came on (I was listening to my Vancouver jewellery - my ipod).

"I hear the voice, the voice of the one I love, He's calling my name...
Come up higher, hear the angels sing, come up higher My beloved...

I am running, running after You, You've become my soul's delight
I am running, running after You, here with You I find my life.."

And I was reminded how often I "run" after Jesus, I pursue my relationship with Him, I pray, I listen for Him, for His leading and direction but then it gets hard or I get tired of it. So I slow down to a walking pace and then even slower, more like a saunter.

And the same is true of the things I love to do that I choose pursue. I've decided I want to pursue writing but already when it's tough or time consuming I am quick to shove it to the back burner and do NOTHING instead... and pursue NOTHING instead.

What is it about me that is so easily put off, so quick to quit when something takes work? I know the things that I work for are the things I value the most but yet.... Arg.


So back to running... I'm ready to quit and this song comes on... and I keep running, (well, more like jogging slowly - but hey, I'm a beginner!) I keep pushing, repeating the words over and over in my head. ( I wanna sing them but I don't have the lung capacity for that just yet!)

"I am running, running after You, You've become my soul's delight... here with You I find my life... one thing have I desired, one thing will I seek after, to dwell in Your house forever more, now I'm running after the thing that really matters, You've become my joy and song."

And I am. I don't want to saunter anymore.

P.S. saweet picture tracey l heppner!

OH MY! what is this??! a bunch o' back bloggin..

hey y'all...

i've been in kelowna since sunday night and will be here til friday..and i have been updating my photo blog..still a ways to go, but nonetheless, some new stuff..

check, check it out!

traceylheppnerphotography.blogspot.com

~trace [actually saying 'oh my' in photo below..really, it is quite amazing, no?]

questions

Ephesians chapter 4 opens with these words..."I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have recieved." The Phillips translation puts it this way, "I beg you to live lives worthy of the high calling..."

Let me share with you some thoughts....

Do you have moments of honesty? Where you look in the mirror and honestly ask yourself questions about your life and the way you live?

Recently, I visited my grandfather who lives in southern manitoba. He is a WW2 veteran and we spend lots of time talking of life before, during and after the war. It always forces me to ask questions that are hard on my heart...and probably really good for my heart.

Can I share some of those questions with you? And for the record, some people find this process a little dramatic...but, honestly, life is dramatic. So loosen up.

questions...

Am I a good man (woman for those of you of the opposite gender)? Don't shrug this off. Ask it.

Do I live with all my heart? Or do I hide it?

Am I honest? With myself and with others about who I am?

Do I really live for Jesus and in doing so sacrifice for others?

Am I willing to love with all of my heart? When I ask this I end up thinking about what love costs...that inevitably it asks if I am willing to risk great hurt in order to love greatly.

Am I proud of who I have become?

Knowing that our grandfather's generation gave their lives for freedom from tyranny, do I live thankfully? Do I honour their sacrifice?

Do I honour His sacrifice?

I think the cost of truly living, is really choosing not to live in illusion. To exercise true faith, I must first be able to honestly look at where I am.

This life of following Jesus is one where peace and joy reign...but at the price of actually being honest...He cannot heal, what I will not feel. He cannot deliver me from what I won't own. He cannot bring light to darkness I pretend is not there. He cannot bring life to what I won't admit is dead or dying.

Living worthy starts at honesty. I don't have to be anything but what I am...and He meets me there.

just some thoughts...late at night.

jonathan

interesting news video

so scott sent this to j..i watched it today..
very interesting..

post your comments to my blog entry here..would like to know what people
thought of it..for interest's sake. :)

trace

http://www.cbc.ca/national/blog/video/seven_mark_kelley/seven_christian_soldiers.html

Pride

Pride.

Been wrestling with this one...and this is straight out of my journal.

Pride is the love of self, and in one sense a follower of Jesus is called to have a sense of pride. Not in the evil 'I am better than everyone' sense, but in the 'I am special, unique, and wonderfully made sense'. What do I mean then? Another way of saying Love your neighbour as yourself is to say Love yourself as your neighbour. That doesn't mean your pulse is supposed to quicken every time you look in the miror any more than its supposed to quicken every time your neighbour passes the window. It means simply that the ability to work for your own good despite all the not-so-good things you know about yourself is closely related to the ability to work for your neighbours good dispite all the not-so-good things you know about him.

It also means that just as in this sense love of self and love of neighbour go hand in hand, so do dislike of self and dislike of neighbour.

examples?

1. The more I don't like my neighbour, the more I'm apt or likely to not like myself for disliking him and him for making me dislike myself and so goes the terrible downward spiral.

2. I am continually tempted to take out on my neighbour the dislike I feel for myself, just the same way if I smack my head on a cupboard door I'm very apt to kick the first cat, child, or chair unlucky enought to catch my swelling eye. (what is it about this that makes me giggle????)

The love of self or pride is a sin when, it does not lead you to share with others the self you love. What self am I talking about? The self that has been made in the image of Jesus, the self that is becoming more and more like Jesus as you choose to follow Him...and the parts of ourselves that live in darkness...you know, the parts we all try desperately to hide, but the very parts the desperately need to be shared.

When you choose not to share your 'self', it leads you to keep your self in perpetual safe-deposit.

You not only don't gain anything that way but you actuallybecome less and less everyday.

just thoughts amidst tears.

Tears

You never know what may cause them. The sight of the Pacific Ocean can do it...or a piece of music, or a face you've never seen before...or maybe one that you haven't seen in a really long time. A look. A smile. An expression. A moment. Almost any movie that has the heartbreak of loving and loosing. A high school basketball team running onto the floor at the end of game, exultant in victory...or the opposite team, broken in defeat. Two young lovers exchanging a look and a kiss on a train, or two much older lovers, exchanging a years-filled glance and a gentle caress. Memories..and dreams...you can never be sure. But of this you can be sure. Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is wise to pay very very close attention.

I was reading a Berenstein Bears book to Rosie this evening...and those unexpected tears came on the last page. Why? Gran and Gramps has swept brother and sister bear into their arms and were saying how thankful they were to have them as granbears(grandkids - for those of you who don't know Berenstein Bear language).

I was thinking a little later, after Rosie asked me what was wrong and I quickly moved along, that those tears tell me something about the secret of who I am. What is it that strikes the chords of my heart in such a way that I am moved to tears?

As I think about those moments, I think, more often than not, God is speaking to me through them of the mystery of where I have come from...

and is summoning me, if my heart is willing, to where I should go next.

think about that...

And maybe...if we rarely have those moments, that says something about our willingness to be moved
...maybe even moved forward?

just some thoughts.

i'm thirsty

just read an interesting article this morning. if you're interested in reading the whole thing, go to www.macleans.ca/science/environment/article.jsp?id=0&content=20070514_105163_105163

the focus of the article is on the environmental 'issue' of bottled water...which may seem mildly ironic to some of you. however, research is beginning to surface on the misplaced trust of our culture in this highly destructive 'luxury'. the article talks about how the plastic bottles used to hold spring/filtered water require more water in their production than they hold when they're sold...meaning they actually waste water. on top of that, more than 88% of water bottles are NOT recycled, leading to concerns of toxic chemical contamination in future landfills.

coupled with that is the financial hypocrisy of the product. bottled water was apparently first marketed and produced for the wealthy...giving them access to an exclusive and apparently more-healthy water supply. with the product's market explosion over the last ten years [with everyone from Donald Trump to Sylvester Stallone buying into the boom], the price for a litre of bottled water has risen to 3000 times the cost of a litre of tap water. crazy!!! these facts lead one to agree with one critic quoted:
"The vanity of it (drinking bottled water vs tap water)! While half the world dies of thirst or puts up with water you wouldn't pi## in, or already have, we have invested years and years, and vast amounts of money, into an ingenuous system which cleanses water of all of the nasties that most other humans and animals have always had to put up with, and delivers it, dirt cheap, to our homes and workplaces in pipes, which we can access with a tap."

what i found interesting was the fact that the united church of canada has encouraged its members to boycott the product 'on the moral grounds that water is a basic human right, not a commodity to be sold for profit.' i thought it fascinating [and quite appropriate] that a church would call its members to engage in a global issue...one that only requires that we drink the water from our taps. so...what issues are we grappling with...and addressing with our lifestyles?

if your interest is peaked, check out the whole article. and in the meantime, let's enjoy our vancouver water missionburnaby. you estevaners feel free to do the filtration thing. chuckle.
sw

Hiding Place...

Psalm 22:1-7
"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit.
When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" - and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.
You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."


Well we've been here in Burnaby for about 9 days now and it's amazing the amount of emotion that flows through this body. From excitement, to wonderment, to fear, to doubt, to ease, to hopeful, to hopeless. And seriously I can't place my finger on just one at any given time.

Just as I've been sending out resumes, talking with managers a great deal of insecurity has been rising in me... it seems as though it never really goes away, just silences itself once in a while, but after being silenced it began to roar as I entered the city. There's so much to compare yourself to here, yet there's so much encouragement to be yourself, find your own style, say your own words, be an individual.

That's why this piece of scripture grabbed me as i was reading this morning, because i see in myself the truth and the longing that this expresses. "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away". I lose more and more of who I am when I let the sin of my insecurity own me, it causes me to shut my mouth, keep my eyes to the ground, don't make eye contact, don't let them know you're hurting, I curl my shoulders inward, cross my arms and hide behind my sunglasses. I keep myself full giftings, and full pain selfishly to myself, almost protecting both. Protecting what i hope to be real in my giftings and protecting what I know so familiarly as my pain.

But I long for the truth... I long to come to Jesus in my place of silence, as I waste away in my sin and own up to it... to bring the reality of my brokenness to the light and oh the freedom that will bring.

It says I will be covered in songs of deliverance, I will be protected from trouble and have Him be my hiding place. He who knows me fully. No longer will i have to hide myself from the world, no longer will i have to protect my gifts and my pain, what a burden to carry... but in His arms, in the hiding place where He dwells I am known fully.

My frame was not hidden from him when I was made in the secret place, when i was woven together in the depths of the earth, His eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in His book, before even one of them came to be! He knows me from beginning to end, there is nothing i can hide from him, he knows every thought, every tear, every fear, and every joy and yet with Him knowing EVERYTHING I am still safe and fully loved in His arms.

Oh Jesus help me live this, help me share this with a world that is so much like me...

cow town

just thought i'd give you guys an update from calgary. any future notes will come as comments to this one...so this doesn't become my personal blog. :)
hayley and i flew here sunday morning. things went well...apart from Hayley losing her breakfast as we came down into Calgary. we had a great day hanging out with darlene's family...reconnecting with loved ones from BC and AB. darlene flew in early on monday morning...giving Hayley reason to smile extra big. unfortunately, she barfed again on the way to the airport...so we're hoping that this does not become the theme for the week. yeesh.
went in the afternoon to see some of my family, including an aunt that i hadn't seen for several years. one of the cool things about being here is having the chance to rearticulate the journey that we're on. and its interesting...because sometimes its not easy to share our journey without feeling insecure about what's being done, what's not being done, our 'methods', our lifestyle, etc. but it struck me yesterday as we talked that we truly are on a journey...because our language has changed. and not only that...but i can feel that my heart is changing, becoming more comfortable with the road, city, and people christ has led me to...more at ease with the brokenness in my heart that sparks insecurity.
so...that's where we're at. missing our home and family in vancouver...and thinking of those across this country that are 'walking' with us.
here's a prayer i found in the last few days. talk to you all soon.
'i give thanks for companions on the way, the people who share their ventures and struggles with me, their hopes and fears, their weaknesses and strengths. how much easier when i have them to pray with, to talk things over with, to work with. amen.'
sw

Life in Estevan...

Pics from my 1st Pow wow. (taken while setting up a booth for my job with Passage)

Hey, yes I'm still alive although i haven't blogged in a little bit. :)

Brian and Meryl are in Burnaby which means that I'm one step closer to moving there. I drive out of Estevan on August 20th, and I will be in Burnaby to stay September 1st.

To give you an update on my situation here... In January, I went to 1/2 time working at the Estevan Church of God and began working as a receptionist at Community Advocates for Employment as well as serving at Boston Pizza. WORKING 3 JOBS IS NOT SMART. In case you are wondering my opinion about that. :) It was a bit excessive. In May I was offered full time at Community Advocates for Employment as a youth outreach worker. I took it!

It has been a great opportunity. My job has been working with another great lady named Linda starting a youth program called Passage and find the kids for us to work with focusing on Estevan, the rural towns around here, and the reserves. We are working with youth 15-30 that aren't working or in school that have obstacles to overcome. Stuff like addictions, they might live in a rural area without access to a job, a single mom, a criminal record... whatever.

So it's been very fun, meant lots of creativity, and a big learning curve.

I'm getting more and more excited about moving out, and I feel God preparing my heart more each day. Slowly winding down what I've been doing in ministry, and also winding down HOW i've been doing ministry.

Well, that's probably enough for now, have an amazing day everyone!

Lani

connection..

I saw the migration for the first time today. I’m sure it happens everyday, around the same time, perhaps even for the same reason. Moving quickly in an almost choreographed motion, they funnel together. The migration is almost surreal. Watching them come from every street and alley, every direction, their goal the same – the sky train station.

Suits and shorts, ties and track pants. Smiling faces and furrowed brows. People who just jumped out of the shower, people who just rolled out of bed. Every age and every skin tone. All moving, for that moment, in a common direction. This morning, as a member of the transit “dance,” I couldn’t help but wonder where everyone was going.

Everyone wearing their uniform accessories – headphones. Everyone so close physically but in their own world, intentionally distracted by the noise in their ears. What could be so important that we would listen isolated instead of engaging the people around us?

As humans, we long for connection with people. Then why don’t we connect? Are we afraid of being the initiators? Too focused on ourselves? Consumed by my the big M - Me… We long for a hello or a smile or a nod, but we don’t want to be the first to give it in case… in case what? So what if we see no response? What if my smile is the only one she sees all day? I know, it’s extreme. But really, who knows…

rest

"yes, it is all too plain that it was refusal to trust God that prevented those men [the Israelites in the desert] from entering His rest." Hebrews 3:19 (J.B. Phillips)

most translations use the word unbelief instead of refusal to trust in this verse. i know i was reading this translation for a reason this morning, you see, this morning when i read this i realized that i refuse to trust God in some of the minor areas of my life. Like my future for example (if you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm!) o sigh...

here's what i realized. we always have the choice to trust or not. whether it is God or our friend, our spouse or our parent, ultimately we choose whether we will trust them or not and then we live that out. in the case of people, we often have good reason not to trust... they've hurt us, they have betrayed us, they have abandoned us, they've cheated on us, they've lied to us - the list is endless. needless to say, i don't always trust people completely.

God, on the other hand, has never given me a reason not to trust Him, yet my instinct is to look out for myself, play everything safe and only dare to do things I can see the successful end of. because somehow, in my twisted little brain, i believe that i know better and i can work things out better than an all-loving, all-providing, all-sacrificing God.

so i guess we're left with a choice then, aren't we? I'm left with a choice. trust or don't. enter His rest or continue to find "rest" on my own. seems like a clear choice, it's the execution that elludes me... as they say, easier said than done.

brian and meryl have arrived!!!

well, we are VERY excited to have bri and mer with us finally!

the kids and i went to kelowna for a couple day - i am shooting for kelowna actors studio (keep your eye open on my photo blog for those!)- and rosie said to me when we left, "well its a good thing tita meryl lives with us now; i dont have to leave her and not see her for a long time!"

i snapped a few shots of them unpacking the van, for posterity's sake, plus cuz when DON'T i take photos?! :)

love you guys..here's to your next chapter in your book of life's journey!

Estevan, we have landed.

well. meryl and I got here on Saturday night and had a pretty uneventful, but beautiful trip out to BC. On sunday we unpacked the truck with the help of the other house mates. we had some friends visiting from Grande Prairie so we went out with them to stanley park and we saw ducks and swans. as well we saw a racoon real close and some guy fed it like he was feeding a baby so that was a nature walk we hadnt planned on. there were 1000's of people walking, running, playing sports, swimming, roller blading, playing tennis, having picnics, it was so great to be in such a beautiful place and see all types of people, from all types of places doing all types of things.
today we took our uhaul truck back which when we found the place it all worked out good. then we hopped a bus and headed to metro town mall where we had some lunch and walked around a bit. again 1000's of people, pretty overwhelming at times but pretty awesome too.
I got a call when we were in calgary for a job interview at the burnaby school board on Thursday at 1pm. not sure if its for elementary, middle or high school and where it is but i will let you know after the interview. your prayers would be appreciated for the interview to go well. thanks
so there you go our first 48 hours here. any questions or anything, or if you want to know more. just hit the reply button and ask. love you all here and abroad
brian

an adventure like no other..

so i come home from being in estevan for a week, to caleb having a bizarre rash on his body. apparently it started over a week ago, beginning on his cheeks, then his body and arms & legs.

seeing that since i got home sunday night and it hadn't gotten any better, i took him in to get checked. also being we dont have a doctor and not knowing a hot clue about the medical clinics here, plus being a little concerned about him, we looked for walk in clinics, and found none, so resorted to the hospital of my birth.. burnaby general.

onwards to the ER we went at 9pm last night..
and then we got into the room at about 10:15pm..
then caleb had bloodwork done around 11 pm..
and then we headed home about 25 mins after that.

prognosis? we were to come back the next morning (today) and see the pediatrician
and she was to tell us what's up with him.

so we did. and they said he had what was called fifth disease.
anyhow..he's fine.. and here's his mementos from the crazy event.. :)

thank you to everyone i was texting all night and this morning, giving you the play by play, and who prayed earnestly that all would be good in the hood. :)



11pm - me and caleb before his blood work, he's so brave. :)and we were so zonked!

the great housewarming party

so what do you get when you throw together, a dozen kids, pinadas, barbeque heaven, too many snacks, crazy games, a live band and 40 people?
THE GREAT HOUSEWARMING POTLUCK PARTY!

on june 16 we had our house warming party.
we invited everyone we had begun to build relationships with; our neighbors,
school families, work friends, our realtor, our extended families, business
contacts and whomever fell into the category of "our friends".

it was a great afternoon/evening..we had door prizes donated for our guests..
we had sooo much food and beverages we are still consuming it all!...
maurice (zaira's fiannce) brought a couple guys and played some sweet music for
us throughout the night..it was awesome!
the kids had activities of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and 2 pinatas to destroy!
and there were lots of pockets of activity going on; people talking, playing games,
laughing, everything.

it was an incredible time. thank you for your thoughts, prayers and giving
towards this great event!

thoughts

Hey...gonna blog soon about some of my discoveries as I am venturing into the world of culinary art...but thought I would share this thought I read in the mean time...your thoughts as you read it?
On the Journey Toward Accepting My Fears
written by CARL MACMILLAN

"Sometimes it's really hard to get up in the morning," the rabbi told us.

He was middle-aged, but he had a very young, enthusiastic spirit as he told us about his synagogue in Jerusalem where people with intellectual disabilities not only were welcome but had become key members of the community. We laughed as he told us funny stories about how people with disabilities had helped to break down barriers between groups in his synagogue. He acknowledged that his congregation's openness to people with intellectual disabilities had caused some to leave - yet far more new people had joined, attracted by the spirit of acceptance and inclusion.

The rabbi also shared with us some of his own story - about meeting his wife on a kibbutz and, with her, making the decision to stay in Israel and raise their children, now talented young adults off on their own. This remarkable man told us all that, but what I remember, word for word, was that one sentence of admission, "Sometimes it's really hard to get up in the morning." We had asked him what it was like to live in the midst of such conflict and insecurity, and he had told us the truth.

It is sometimes hard for me too. I don't live in war-torn Israel, but some mornings I am also afraid of the day. I am grateful for having met that vulnerable rabbi that day in Jerusalem. He took the risk to share with us the humanity of his fear. His story gave me courage to accept my own.