Sooo...

I have a confession to make... I haven't blogged in a while. I know, many of you didn't notice... because you maybe haven't blogged in a while either.

But here's to a pre-new year's resolution, and starting to blog! Actually I should be honest. About a few things.

It's not a new years resolution, but rather, the fact that right now I've had a week off of work, and I'm finished my position working with students at the church. Sigh. What does this have to do with blogging? A little bit, so let me explain.
It's been harder and sadder than I expected, passing on the torch for Student Ministries... And it really didn't hit me until my last week of work. It's something I've given my heart, my time, my passion and my focus to. And I know that this is God's time to be letting go, and Mandy and Q-diddy are exactly who needs to be there. But in letting go I have a lot of emotions going through me..

Jealousy that I won't be there as God brings into the tangible dreams that have been birthed in the spiritual realm. Confused about my importance- I've done so many seminars, read so many books, talked into many staff meetings, discussions, and walked out so much leadership- that suddenly stepping out of that suit leaves me feeling a bit small. I'm really sorry if this has had negative effects in our meetings, where I may talk to much and try hard too be a part.. a little to hard. Sigh.

I've also felt a really big sorting out process happen in me. I first realized it in my conscious brain (I think it had been going on subconsciously for a while) when I began to sort through my files. I wanted to take out all the GC files and leave them for Mandy and Quincy. But I couldn't do it. I just cried. That's when I realized a lot of the stuff I thought was GC's, is actually mine, and I don't have to give it up. So I'm keeping my files. And yes I'll get rid of some and photocopy others for GC, but... I've learned, grown, and what I've filed will still be a part of me even as I go to Burnaby. Cause I don't change. Funny. They're just files right? But it's cool how they are also a tool in the shaking and changing process for my heart. Doesn't make sense? Don't worry, I don't get it either.

And just to let you guys know, this is the first time I've been a part of a ministry like this... where it's a part of my DNA, and I'm a part of it. No this isn't sacreligious- because this ministry is God's dream, and he had me there not just to do a job, but for who I am to become a part of it's DNA, and for me to be changed forever by God's dream here. And so this process of letting go may be different or longer than others think it should be, but I'm big on embracing the process so I'm chosing to feel this out no matter how sad I get.

So what does this have to do with blogging? Just that it's been hard to do when my mind hasn't really been totally ready to embrace Burnaby yet, I've been focusing and trying to let go, so grabbing on to something new has been hard. Is this different from anyone else? Probably not, but I guess I've been thinking I should blog something about Burnaby, and haven't always had a lot- but I'm going to blog more now because I'm realizing that I should blog about what in the world is happening in me during this process, what God's showing me and thoughts in getting there, instead of just trying to 'go'. Thanks for listening.

Lani

A little talk about a little something.

Ever since our little meeting with everyone that one, cold, wednesday night, I have been thinking about the dream/s that were mentioned. My thoughts have been non stop, because I have dreams, but am terrified to pursue them. If I take courses in a school, that means going out of my comfort. I am very insecure that I may fail, that I may not make what a normal person would do, because in my history of education I've lived a non normal life, compared to some. If I take courses, that means a huge commitment. Am I ready for a commitment that I might not like after a month of doing the course? That when I finish the course I'm not putting my whole heart into it because it's not what my heart truly wants. Let me put it this way...I know ministry, therefore I know what to expect, I put my heart into it, and I love it. I don't know anything about life long careers, I have no idea what to expect, and I don't know if I'll like it, is it worth it to spend all that money to not enjoy the career chosen...sigh...I think I need to hear from God, cause I'm feeling unsure about taking more education.

So with that said...even though I've spilled my guts about the fears I have, let me share the dreams or I guess the ideas I have that are inside me.
-I was for awhile thinking about pursuing the idea of being a vet’s assistant, because I love animals and when I was little I always wanted to be a vet. But that’s repetition that makes my creative side die, so I have been leaning to no, but it's still an option.
-For 3 years I worked as a deli clerk and I loved it, I was able to specialize in the cheese department, make trays, and was able to work with the meat and understand it. It's also where I learned to work with customers and be able to be pretty much a supervisor. The only reason I quit was because I didn't like the environment I worked in and the boss I worked for. But ever since I left, I have always wanted to open my own deli store where I was able to have specialty meat and cheese, where sandwiches are made. It would look like a subway but healthier and would have more class at a good price. With fresh bread, meat made at the deli and served fresh, a coffee bar, and so much more...Can you imagine it! I bet you are drooling! Or just craving a really good sandwich. Ha Ha. But in order to accomplish this I need to accomplish school. Entrepreneurship to be exact, and probably some sort of food course. I'm scared because...This is big! And I have no Idea where to start. But what’s really cool is that I told my family about my idea and they were so pumped about it that they started to tell me how they would fit into the roll of being part of my deli. They were coming up with names that would fit the style. It was supper cool, my (non christian) Sister said that she totally connects to that and said it would be such a big hit (in Calgary) because she hasn't seen anything like that (what I described to her) before. Sigh...This is big, and God is so much Bigger, I'm just scared to imagine it to be reality.
So with this long letter said, I shall say three more things....Farewell, Merry Christmas and I love you all!