Sooo...

I have a confession to make... I haven't blogged in a while. I know, many of you didn't notice... because you maybe haven't blogged in a while either.

But here's to a pre-new year's resolution, and starting to blog! Actually I should be honest. About a few things.

It's not a new years resolution, but rather, the fact that right now I've had a week off of work, and I'm finished my position working with students at the church. Sigh. What does this have to do with blogging? A little bit, so let me explain.
It's been harder and sadder than I expected, passing on the torch for Student Ministries... And it really didn't hit me until my last week of work. It's something I've given my heart, my time, my passion and my focus to. And I know that this is God's time to be letting go, and Mandy and Q-diddy are exactly who needs to be there. But in letting go I have a lot of emotions going through me..

Jealousy that I won't be there as God brings into the tangible dreams that have been birthed in the spiritual realm. Confused about my importance- I've done so many seminars, read so many books, talked into many staff meetings, discussions, and walked out so much leadership- that suddenly stepping out of that suit leaves me feeling a bit small. I'm really sorry if this has had negative effects in our meetings, where I may talk to much and try hard too be a part.. a little to hard. Sigh.

I've also felt a really big sorting out process happen in me. I first realized it in my conscious brain (I think it had been going on subconsciously for a while) when I began to sort through my files. I wanted to take out all the GC files and leave them for Mandy and Quincy. But I couldn't do it. I just cried. That's when I realized a lot of the stuff I thought was GC's, is actually mine, and I don't have to give it up. So I'm keeping my files. And yes I'll get rid of some and photocopy others for GC, but... I've learned, grown, and what I've filed will still be a part of me even as I go to Burnaby. Cause I don't change. Funny. They're just files right? But it's cool how they are also a tool in the shaking and changing process for my heart. Doesn't make sense? Don't worry, I don't get it either.

And just to let you guys know, this is the first time I've been a part of a ministry like this... where it's a part of my DNA, and I'm a part of it. No this isn't sacreligious- because this ministry is God's dream, and he had me there not just to do a job, but for who I am to become a part of it's DNA, and for me to be changed forever by God's dream here. And so this process of letting go may be different or longer than others think it should be, but I'm big on embracing the process so I'm chosing to feel this out no matter how sad I get.

So what does this have to do with blogging? Just that it's been hard to do when my mind hasn't really been totally ready to embrace Burnaby yet, I've been focusing and trying to let go, so grabbing on to something new has been hard. Is this different from anyone else? Probably not, but I guess I've been thinking I should blog something about Burnaby, and haven't always had a lot- but I'm going to blog more now because I'm realizing that I should blog about what in the world is happening in me during this process, what God's showing me and thoughts in getting there, instead of just trying to 'go'. Thanks for listening.

Lani