i need...

Here’s an interesting thought I read today…

“A Christian who is inclined to think that other people need Jesus is one who may need Him the most. Everybody needs Jesus. Not everybody knows it. Some Christians know they need Jesus. Some Christians don’t. Bottom line is: knowing you need Jesus is a lot more important than being a good Christian.”

I’m not sure this is the way I have tended to think over the course of my life. In fact, my life has kind of revolved around being a “good Christian.” Not entirely sure what that looks like but I’ve tried to understand that and done my darndest to live it.

And now here I am, almost thirty, and just in the last quarter of my life have I realized that knowing I need Jesus has been more important than anything… and that Jesus is the most important thing (person) I can share with people. Not my survival tactics, not my discipline secrets, not my wise and wonderful experience (ha!)… just the fact that I need Jesus more than anything else life can offer.

wandering in a starbucks

‘Concepts create idols; only wonder comprehends anything.’ - St. Gregory of Nyssa

'My idea of God is not a divine Idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence….all reality is iconoclastic.' C.S.Lewis A Grief Observed (an iconoclast is a breaker or destroyer of images)

My whole life I have been fascinated with ideas. The fresh. The exciting. The invigorating encounters with things as I have not seen them before. Maybe that is part of why I love airports so much. Sitting on a hard chair staring into space, watching people come and go, planes take off and land, things change and happen with speed and in every direction at once. Wondering where every one is hurrying too, and where they are coming from. The random, new, fresh, busy environment is wonder-full.

Today I sit in a Starbucks in Calgary wondering if I am an introspective person at all...because i am always looking for the next thing...as if in a hurry to get away from the past and the present. I always have thought that I have been good at understanding who I am and what I believe and where I am going...and maybe, because of this, great at using my life experience to express truth. But I am more aware today that I can see other people's lives much more clearly than my own. I can read a story in their eyes. But read my own story...sigh. Not so good.

Why do I yearn for the adrenalin rush...from a great touchdown strike, a roar from a crowd, a moving piece of music, a scene from a movie that totally captures me...?

This fascination with ideas, which for most of my life has been the energy of searching for the fragmented soul of a generation and finding hope in community encounters with the divine...is this all bad? I have been told many times that i dream too much. That i oversell. That I manipulate environments. That i need to be realistic and stop saying things that will never happen...

SO...having said that...let me share a couple of my reflections on ideas and wonder.

Ideas are simply that…ideas.
There is only one real danger in loving ideas. And I have discovered it in my own heart: I understand that in lots of caverns and spaces in my heart I have substituted Jesus for an idea of Jesus. My quest for creating atmosphere and environments that allow people to encounter Him has really been my personal quest for wonder. I want to be awed. To be overcome. To be startled by the divine. To meet with Jesus in such a way that I am shaken by His wildness. His truth. His fixed gaze. As Brennan Manning puts it, His 'relentless tenderness'. I want to be gripped by this maniacal love...that pursues me into my own hidden retreats of darkness.

Could the idea of Jesus that I have wanted to follow since I was a toddler be more than I think He is?

***break time...needed to get a refill of coffee. Am truly NOT learning to appreciate Cafe Verona...

You want to know what I think the battle that we, as the church of Jesus Christ are in right now? A war between dullness and wonder.
Not abortion. Not pornography. Not the disintegration of the family. Not moral absolutes. Not MTV. Not traditional or emergent church strategies. Not drugs, racism, sexuality or whether we drink or not. These are simply symptoms of something bigger.

Dullness.

We have lost our astonishment.

The Good News is no longer good news. It is okay news. This journey of faith that has been blurred with the title of Christianity is no longer life changing. It is life enhancing.
Jesus doesn’t change people into wide-eyed lovers of life, of people and of Him. He changes them into ‘nice people' who have a new group of friends.

Think about this for a minute. When we try to capture the Kingdom of God and the story of Christ, we don't often hear(or use) the words: Wonder. Awe. Astonishment. It is usually GOD = laws, commands, rules, sin, wrath, repent, hell, and then salvation, etc.

Sometimes it feels like the story of Jesus is some subversive way of tricking us into a trap. To get us under control. To conform us. To make us clones.

If this story of Jesus is simply about the Son of God coming in human form to be crucified, raised from the dead, descend into hell, ascend to the right hand of the Father, etc...SO that we could stop doing bad stuff, it seems like an incredible waste of energy.

There has to be more to it.

Think of the incredibleness of the story. From the last supper to Peter and John doing the 100m dash to the tomb. Its extraordinary.

I think what I have missed too often, and maybe my whole life, is the extraordinary story that is written when I/you/someone fully engages this awe-some story of Jesus.

Think of the implications of this story:
If God, the creator of the universe, stepped into human history and took the initiative to take on flesh and blood and walk among us in actual time and space...and if God would be so intent on bringing us into intimate relationship with Him...that His passion play, performed on the stage of human reality, would culminate in Jesus allowing Himself to be brutally tortured and crucified on my behalf and in a moment consciously bear the darkness of who I am and what I have done and will do...its says allot about who He is...

But here is the more overwhelming truth. One that moves me deeply in wonder...

Consider, just for a moment, what it says about me. And what it says about you.

When I look wide-eyed at this, suddenly my disappointment with who I am and who the church is not...fades. Something of a larger and more brilliant story springs to life.

Could the ideas, the dreams, the hopes, the insane yearnings, the lust for life, the hunger for adrenalin that we all have at some level be the pieces of His dream that are woven into our soul?

My mom told me years ago that she had read that for most of us our physical thirst mechanism is so weak we mistake our thirst for hunger. So instead of drinking a glass of water, we eat and numb the desire.

Could this be where many of us are at in terms of our faith journey? Could this be where I am? So many of us live frustrated and we misinterpret our own inner callings. Instead of being drawn deeper, or ala The Lion, The Witch and Wardrobe going 'farther up and further in', we shut off and lash out.

This grand idea, this dream called the Church will always be an unsolved mystery. Yes, a mystery. Something that we cannot fully define. Its a journey filled with cut knees and bruised elbows. William Newton Clarke said that 'Faith is daring the soul to go farther than it can see!'

We must learn to live in the questions, to love the questions. Because they call us farther up and further in. Bono said, 'The soul will be described, but God may not use the people you expect.' Followers of Jesus are meant to be translators of the deepest longing and desires of men's hearts. Too often we opt for critiquing as a way of insulating ourselves from our own longings and desires. We cannot translate what we will not take time to hear in our own hearts. So I am left asking the questions: in my passionate commitment to self preservation and a natural healthy avoidance of pain have I mistaken the instinctive yearnings of my soul for a lack of faith or a youthful arrogance?

Maybe, just maybe, His great idea is made up a a whole bunch of wandering wonder-ings. And maybe just maybe the fully alive-ness, the creativity, the imagination, the joy, the interdependence and commitment to journey with others by these wandering wonder-ings create collective wonder in a world searching for meaning. And maybe, just maybe they will want to wander with wonder too...because that inevitably leads us to the one who is wonder-full.

I believe that Jesus actually knows that we can change the world. But He also knows that the world begins in my heart.

awakening
Jonathan

little mr. man has arrived!

yesterday night at 720pm, a 10 lb 1 oz little mr wall arrived at st. paul's hospital, downtown vancouver, to scott & darlene. we were ecstatic!! they came home last night just before midnight...stopping for a chai for dar on the way home..of course!!

dar did amazing, of course and i giggled as she walked up to house.. "so what did you do tonight, dar?" i asked... we both giggled..wow...i told scott he and dar had QUITE the date tonight! :)

here are a few of the snaps i took of him with no flash, iso CRANKED to 3200...but oh, is he cute!!! :) :)


















and then the little guy decided he was gonna give tita trace a little smirk, almost to say, "oh YOU..yes you can take pictures of me ANYTIME." ;)

giving thanks..

thanksgiving dinner 2008

we decided as a team we were going to have a turkey+ supper on monday. not only for ourselves but for people we knew would be spending it alone..we had a WONDERFUL time!!

there were 25 of us...and the food.. mmmmmmm...can't even tell you how great it was..
everything from turkey to ham to ribs to perogies to stuffing to sweet potatoes to salads to pumpkin and apple pies.. wow! talk about TOO much to choose from.

i'm so thankful for our team...and their hearts and the journey we are on here in vancouver. i'm thankful for my friends and family who make life full, whether from here or from afar-they are always in my heart.. i'm thankful for our life..my husband and my kids..i'm thankful for freedom and the right to believe.
i'm thankful for our home that is home to many..i'm thankful for our school where our kids feel loved and learn so much from their amazing teachers..i'm thankful for the life that my savior gives to me..without it, i would be nothing..

ah, yes..so much to be thankful for.. :)

here's a few photos from our feast..

these are us making prettiness to the tables..






then the finished product..






and then...THE FOOD.. :)






giggle..and i caught this one of my darling boy diving in.. :) oh to be a ten year old boy.. ;)

A bit of my heart's struggle

Another update from Brian so quickly after the previous update.

As I last posted an answer to prayer as I got the on call EA job in the school division so that was super cool. I worked one full week Monday-Friday and then this last week I didn’t work at all. I still have shifts at the home and am hoping to get some more calls from the school this week, as well I applied for a full time position that I should hear if I have an interview this week.

Meryl doesn’t really like her job, as we all have been there. As she has mentioned she commutes about 3.5 hours a day because she has a split shift so that gets very tiring and for what she gets paid doesn’t always seem worth it. She hopefully will get a transfer to a closer center this week but still then that brings my heart to a wondering place…

Lord what do you have for us.. our hearts are to work with youth, to possibly travel and speak to youth in different capacities as I did previously with True Lies/Painkillers.

There possibly is an opportunity with the same organization of Street Invaders- Lifeforce that might look to do some more media centered messages in schools in western Canada.. right now they are praying for God’s timing and the right tools to effectively put something into action.. This is something that sparks my heart Everytime I think about it.. I feel alive when I am interacting with youth and especially when I am talking about the media and the issues it brings up in their lives all of the time, Meryl comes alive talking with girls about self esteem and body image and those things.. seems like it might be a good fit be we are not sure on the timing and our place in it right now. You can pray towards that end if you feel like doing so.

Meryl’s heart again is to work with girls as she can identify with some of the issues they are facing with what she has gone through in her life. She has been in contact with the Looking Glass which is an organization just starting up that will deal in some aspect with eating disoders and body image and so on, but it seems to be taking a while to get up and running, then there is Mercy Ministries that is out in Surrey which helps women in distress whether it be young single moms, or drug issues, or pregnant girls but that’s all the way in Surrey- do we need to move to Surrey?

We all talk often about the next step God has for us and being patient for that, but as Meryl so eloquently put that we have been waiting for a year and maybe we need to act on something and push towards something? So I lay awake in my bed tonight wondering what is next Lord? Is there something I/we need to be doing to prepare and push towards whats happening next? This is a little bit of heart struggle from Brian to the blog world.. you want to know what to pray or how to pray for us.. pray for God’s clarity in our lives as to what’s next, a new job for Meryl perhaps, something consistent and full time for Brian, pray that we would have a peace about being here and the place we now find ourselves.. Thanks for reading and for caring.

Brian

train ticket

Imagine having a train ticket but not knowing how to read it. You’re pretty sure you have the right train because the schedule says it’s leaving at the right time and the city you want to go to seems to be one on the list of places it stops. But when you look at your ticket it’s like reading Italian!

Carrozza 001
Posto A
Sedere 25Fi
Corridoio laterale

So carrozza could mean something like carousel. Maybe it’s the first section on the car when you get on. But how do you know which car to get on to? Maybe carrozza is the car number. But do they mark the car number on the outside of the train? Not on the ones in Germany. Hmm.

And what about posto A? On the track across from me there is a big B hanging from the roof. And if I look farther down the track to the right there is a big C. Is there no A? I look to the left. Oh ya, there it is. Way down at the end of the track. Maybe that’s what the posto means. But those A, B and C signs aren’t hanging over my track. Does it apply anyway?

Sedere. That’s got to be seat, doesn’t it? That seems like the only logical conclusion. 25Fi. What is Fi?

And corridoio laterale? Lateral corridor? What the heck does that mean? Hopefully it’s not important!

Here comes the train. Second class cars fly by first with a big 2cl on the side of them. There’s another number underneath on this train. What is it for? The numbers are getting smaller, 6, 5, 4… and there is a little symbol underneath them. It looks like a… my head snaps from left to right, following the symbol. It’s a train car… so maybe that 001 IS the car number!

Here comes 1st class, a big 1cl on the side along with a 3… then a 2… then a 1. Our car. Let’s try it, it’s under the big A, it seems logical. We climb our way on, dragging our weight-limit-met luggage. Looks like the numbers are right. Thank God we don’t have to truck this luggage all the way through the train like in Zurich!

25 and 26. Wow these numbers jump fast! There they are! But it looks like there are people in our seats. What the heck!? Ooooooooh, no they aren’t. They are in 23 and 24. Fi means finestra! Window. There are our window seats, tucked in behind two sixtyish year old business men on their way to Milano.

Sweet! We have seats!

I was thinking today about how sometimes life feels a bit like this train ticket reading experience. I have the ticket but I don’t always understand what it is telling me. I am often traveling in a state of “I think I know what I’m doing… kinda” or “This might mean…” you fill in the blank; deathly afraid of getting it wrong. Making the wrong choice, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, being the wrong person.

I’m slowly, very slowly, beginning to understand that I can’t do anything without doing something. That was profound hey! What I mean is, I have to make a decision and do it. If I’m wrong, I move from there, knowing that wasn’t what I wanted. If I have an opinion or a thought I need to share it, trusting that if people don’t agree or if I’m wrong, that’s ok.

We’re not robots. We’re not all the same. We’re not supposed to be. On the days when I feel like I might know what the ticket means but I’m not really sure, I need to talk it out with the people I’m in relationship with and let them help me figure out what’s going on in my brain. That includes talking to God about it. He’s usually pretty good about finding ways to communicate what He’s thinking, whether it’s through people, His word or His Holy Spirit. He doesn’t want us running in circles aimlessly any more than we do. He’s got better things for us than that.

Just a thought for the next time you’re not sure if you understand what’s going on… but you think you might…

*thanks for the awesome pictures trace (tracey l heppner photography)

hayley's got skills.. :)

a few days before little mr brandon arrived, hayley came upstairs and we painted.

she's so great! she really has some mad skills! :) xo

Here i am again

Thanks to those for the gentle reminder to blog.. I assure you this was not something I was avoiding but rather completely forgot, I guess I have been waiting so long for a change in my job situation that I forgot to blog when something changed. All that to say… since I came out here last summer I have been trying to get into the school system as an on call Educational Assistant. For various reasons it didn’t end up happening until I got an interview last week for the on call EA position, which basically means if they need an EA to sub whether someone is sick, maternity leave, vacation or what have you they will call down the list the on call EA’s and give them (us) opportunity to work at these open short term placements.

This Sunday night I got a call asking me to work this whole week at a particular high school in Burnaby. Sweet. This is what I have wanted for quite some time.

The particular class I am working with is similar to the life skills class in estevan, which I didn’t spend that much time helping in. So this was kind of new territory for me but similar in some respects. There are quite a few autistic males which is new to me too but some of the similar behaviors I have seen so I am slowly learning how best to approach them. It has just been good to be in the school, with all the kids, just helping in the class… although I have 2 art classes and a technology education and wood working class so some of you that know me, these aren’t my strongest areas so its been stretching but a good thing. So I will work at this school till the end of the week and then hopefully be put back into on call rotation so I can have opportunity to work at some of the other schools in Burnaby.

I am still continuing to work at the group home as well, at least for October I already have my schedule so I have 10 shifts there as well so I have pulling a couple of 830-245pm at the school and then 4-12am at the group home shifts so that has been quite tiring but there is a bible verse that I hang on to that says something about God being my strength and giving me what I need to do what he has put in my path and being greater than obstacles that I may face.. so that has kept me going for sure.

It seems like the need for EA’s is very great so I am hoping to have some more opportunities to work in other places and then perhaps apply for some full time positions that get posted every 2 weeks.

Whoah.. hopefully you are still with me and I keep you wanting to keep reading.. ha

This is all I am going to write for now b/c I don’t want to make it soooo long that its to much at one sitting so for those reading if you want to know something more specific regarding anything you want to know just make a note and I will do that..

One last thing.. we are planning to head back to Yellow grass and perhaps the farm for Christmas so a bit of a crazy schedule this month can hopefully make it easier to be able to pay for tickets and such. God will provide and has provided. Thank you all for your love and support and gentle reminders.

brian

transitioning...

so i was just thinking (due to a question lani asked me!) and i realized that some of you might not know what's going on in my life...

i'm in a definite period of transition... as of august 2/08, I am engaged! i know! kinda crazy really... the engagement story is on my blog... erinleereesor.blogspot.com...

my fiance, pete lewis, is from victoria hence i am currently in the process of moving to victoria. well, technically i am here but some of my stuff is still in burnaby :) at the same time, i am looking for a job and figuring out a new transit system... i had my first interview this afternoon... there is so much going on in my heart and head but i'm not always able to verbalize it... sigh...

as with any transition, God has lots of opportunity to teach us more about ourselves and the things we depend or don't depend on... He definitely is doing that in my life during this time... i'll keep you posted :)

Lani's Update

Here's a little blurb that I sent to the Estevan Church of God for an update. I've added a couple of more pictures for your enjoyment!

Me on the left with my good friend Amanda.

It's about relationship.

I'm sitting in Starbucks, having just said good bye to my new
friend Jill, a single Italian woman. I sat down in a comfy chair next to her, and we both began chatting about our day. She lives at home with her father, taking care of him since her mother died 15 years ago. She spoke about her work, and asks me questions that she only listens to one syllable of before filling up my sentence with what she assumes in my answer. Could this be ministry? Living authentically, together in community, in a way that welcomes and embraces everyone that God sends our way? Could this be the church?

At Mission Burnaby we meet together, we worship together, we pray together and we eat together. Much of our ministry is the moments that God brings across our path each day where we can build relationships and we can love people. I love the moments God introduces me to people like Jill... It’s a gift.

A couple doors from my work is Canada’s only safe drug injection site called Insite. This is Terry who I met outside and he offered to set up his rock (cocaine) and pipe for me.

It's been an interesting journey, this last year and one month that I've lived in Burnaby. I started work in Vancouver's downtown eastside where I've had the privilege of supporting individuals who are coming out of addiction, homelessness, mental illness or are new immigrants as they begin the process of going back to work. Through this I've been able to meet so many organizations and businesses that have blown me away by their courage and willingness to make a difference.

Chilling with Shirley Chan, my boss and the premier at SUCCESS Walk of the Dragon, and with co-workers as we participated in the Sun Run together.

I've been so grateful for the space to adjust, and really begin to make Burnaby my home. It has been an emotional roller coaster at times, as God continues to say 'trust me'.

And just what has 'trusting him' meant?

• Choosing to let God's love release me to enjoy Vancouver instead of being on a mission to save it.
• Allow myself and others on the team to have grace as we learn to live in community.
• Constant setting aside of my pride as we build relationships, not programs. (This is interesting since I've placed a lot of my own value on what I've done inside the church, not outside of it in the past few years.)

An exciting, yet sad change (for us!) is that Erin Reesor will be moving to Victoria to work and live as she prepares to get married in February. We have loved being able to get to know Pete Lewis, who is a very fun guy and is passionate about Jesus- we really like him even though he is whisking our friend away!

Thank you for all your prayers and support. We continue to pray for you all as well. Let our journey to practice what we've preached by 'being Jesus in the world around us' inspire you, even as you've inspired us to be willing to take this risk.

Love,

Lani

With my nephew Samuel, and then Trace and I at the MB house.

check your friends list

read an interesting bit last week in 24hrs...one of our 'in-transit' newspapers here in vancouver.
the basic premise of it was this: recent research points to the fact that 'we use technology to connect with friends and family an average of 17 times a day compared to only two in-person encounters.'
this got me thinking of how much time i spend 'interacting' online [which is modest compared to many of you, i'm sure]...how many times i've misinterpreted a text or email...how many times a day i check into communication 'ports' hoping to hear from a friend (or at the very least check their status). i realized that i'm fairly disciplined or intentional when it comes to this way of living...which began to bother me slightly.
the article mentions that 'there's no such thing as a comfortable silence' on a cellphone, or for that matter, a phone call or IM conversation. whether we assume that someone's tuned out or that we've lost the call, chatting this way often removes the 'humanity' and 'being-togetherness' of facetoface encounters.
i was thinking about how many family and friends live too far away to meet...necessitating technology's help. but i realized that, for me anyway, most of my 'tech talk' isn't necessarily meaningful connection as it is time filler.
this got me thinking that if i was as intentional in person as i am online or via text, i may not have as many 'friends', but i would maybe be a 'fuller' person. what about all the time i spend 'connecting' with people...fully ignoring those right beside or close to me?
any thoughts? at the very least, try to create more than two in-person encounters today.
peace.

a little bit of europe.. :)

hey blog readers..

in case you didn't know, erin and i went off to europe for two weeks (sept 17-30) as i photographed a wedding in germany..

i pretty much documented our entire trip on my photo blog..
so if you're into reading, head on over there.. it's a good read! and there's pics to look at too (i can usually only read books with photos.. :)

so ya.. take a boo.. :) www.traceylheppner.blogspot.com

:) trace


(venice at dusk)