shoot it stinks

Scott and I have been in the process of planting a garden. There is a section of our yard that is prime for such a project...so we got inspired. So began the journey...chuckle. Pulling weeds. Tearing up sod. Removing stones...all to prepare the place to produce wondrous eatibles.

First job, get rid of the grass that is there. What we didn't know was that under the dandelions, hidden away by the mangy grass...was a gravel pit. Enough to make cement...lots of it. Full of stones, rocks, and things that make growing a garden frustrating...chuckle. So we tilled our rock collection. Needless to say my back still hurts.

Then we imported dirt. Compost. What is compost really? From what I understand it is a mixture of various decaying organic substances...like dead leaves, manure, grass clippings, etc. This stuff makes soil prime for growing the stuff we love.

The planting program goes like this. You spread out your dirt. Plan your rows. Make little holes in the soil/compost and place your seed in the soil/compost and cover it. Then the sun, water, a little bit of time [and our neighbour's expert advise] do the rest.

Thanks Jonathan...thanks really for the gardening blog. point? Ready for a lightning bolt?

I was sitting there in the sun when several truths became very plain.

1. We live our lives with a certain measure of health showing on the surface. We say that success is healthy. Making money. Playing sports. Getting/keeping a girlfriend. Wearing nice clothes. It is amazing what will grow..even in the most unhealthy soil. Lots of us live our lives lookin like we got it all together...but just under the surface are rocks and stones...and the stuff that is exhausting to hide. The unfortunate truth is that even though we might hide it well, we still carry it...and that is back breaking. BUT BUT BUT stuff still grows right?
Yeah, but as i thought about it...none of the stuff that grows in soil like that is useful for anything other than looking at. Grass is a weed. And we like it cuz you can lay on it, or look at it. hmmm. What are we hiding? All of us have a story...stuff that we try not to look at or think about...but honestly, it just needs to be removed...and to do that...the top layer has to come off...which means it can be seen. Sometimes that happens without our permission...just ask paris or lindsey or mel. The world is looking at the gravel of their hearts.

2. To really grow stuff you need compost. decomposing, rotting, dead, decaying, smelly organic materials. It represents everything that is fragile about us as the created. Eventually everything dies. Everything goes back to that from which it was created. dust. dirt.
What blows my mind is that the seed has to be immersed in this in order to grow. It is like something happens in the darkness of that rotting hole. Something in the dna of that seed comes to life. Only there does the spark ingite. The water trickles in and the heat of the sun creates this womb of awakening. And the life that breaks through produces something that creates health and wholeness for our bodies.

Anybody see where I am going?

The power of our spiritual DNA lies dormant, waiting to be awakened. So many of our generation, maybe you, live in frustration...trying desperately trying to figure out who we are, what we should be doing, etc. We live in reaction to the pain caused by our parents, and those in authority, our peers...or maybe just the stupidity of our own choices. We live, in lots of ways, trying to forget the wounds we carry. I have met so many of you...and you are wonderful. called. anointed. gifted. able to be more than you ever imagined. Yet many of us are stuck wandering the hallways of insecurity and indecision...wanting to go through doors of possibilities...but simply unable to. You can't make decisions about your future with clarity and passion...when you are running from the past. Physically running...or emotionally stuffing.

Jesus said, "unless you loose your life, you will never find it." and "unless you pick up your cross"... Paul talked about us carrying "treasure in cracked, earthen vessels."

The awakening of who you were created to be [a Child of the King] is intricately connected to your willingness to face the darkness of your soul. The reality is that all our junk/darkness is dead already...we all know it...we smell it. our hearts haven't been 'composted', worked, tilled, spread out...and nothing's growing there. When we enter into the darkness, the pain, the sin, the fallenness of our hearts...the water of His Presence awakens His word which is lying under the surface. This causes the very DNA of your Spirit to come alive in ways you never thought possible.
People have told me that this is crazy...but how can I be forgiven of what I truly don't own? How can I be healed from what I won't admit is there? How can I be delivered from what is not a part of me? How can I lay something down...if it is not mine? Or to go back to the gardening analogy, how can you plant anything in hard soil...dirt that's dried out, never been worked?

What is the difference between dry, rocky soil and compost? Just one thing. Hardness. Hard soil is useless...you can't plant anything in it...it is completely nutrionless. Like i said earlier, weeds and grass might grow in hard soil...but not anything that might bear fruit. It's staggering how clear this is: our lives will bear no fruit unless our hearts are tilled...unless the scraps and decomposing parts of our lives are 'composted' . And when that happens...with a bit of time...soil is produced that is dark, heavy, pliable. With soil like that, seeds know how to do their thing...seeds are rarely the problem. So too is God's purpose/presence in us...He's there, and He knows what to do...He just needs the ground to be soft and healthy.

It is when I truly face the darkness of my heart that I find Him there waiting for me...ready to awaken seeds in that dark, heavy, moist, broken soil...or maybe we should say soul. For many of us, it's time that we no longer fear the darkness...but see it as the place where Christ will help life to blossom and fruit to grow...and run to it.

He's waiting.

Jonathan and Scott

one of us was bound to make the newspaper sooner or later..

..and that one of us was none other than rosie..

here's the link of the article. our school rocks.
for the record. :) ya, that's right, you're talking to
next year's community school association co-chair..chuckle..

of course i love competition...or maybe i'm just competative..
i'm thinking of ways to get in the paper now too. :p

http://www.burnabynow.com/issues07/055107/news/055107nn9.html

fear...

i've been thinking recently about the things that keep me from being willing to try new things or take risks... whether it's in my "career" or education, my relationships, my finances... i realize it's totally my fear of failure that prevents me from venturing into new territory.

I'm not entirely sure yet how I measure success or failure, or even where my standards came from but as I reflect on my life, it seems I've been willing to settle for lack of success rather than risk any type of failure... does that make sense? what I mean by lack of success is settling for something that isn't really challenging or exciting (and therefore not very risky) to avoid pursuing something that I might actually fail at if i try.

what really sucks the most is that i realize that i haven't even been willing to explore the passions of heart for fear that what I will find there will require me to take risks to explore. so actually i've failed before i've even started... more accurately, i've failed to even start.

God has given me gifts and talents and i've chosen to bury them, and keep them safe and unexplored so that they won't be lost or squashed. I don't want to end up like the servant in Matthew 25 who had his talent taken away because he refused to use it or do anything to try to increase it; he feared losing it more than trying to use it. and in the end it was taken from him anyway. o sigh..

i'm not willing to live like this anymore. i'll keep you posted on what that looks like! :)

Roots

So yesterday I had the day off and spent some time packing, then worked on a new painting for a bit... then picked Bri up to go get groceries. I didn't realize it, because i was alone all day, but packing alone and even just being alone in a house full of boxes is quite emotional. So I decided I couldn't handle this whole grocery shopping business and decided to take a walk home while Bri finished up...

As I was walking home I was walking past the park just behind our apartment... the one across from where Scott and Dar use to live. And sitting there on a white sheet were two of our jr. high girls in intense conversation. I went over to say hi, and they came up to me with water balloons. I was worried at first but immediately one began to tell me that they too were having bad days, and they decided to get together each with one water balloon and they would speak their sins out loud then ask God to forgive them then smash the balloon on the ground. Then there were some sins that they didn't want to say out loud that they wrote on a piece of paper then burried deep into the ground.

These are two girls that have been passionatly pursuing God, and I've been honored to get to walk beside them in it, both aren't from Christian homes but are so hungry for what they've seen. I've learned so much from them, they remind me of the intense hunger I had when I first met Jesus at their age, and I'm so challenged.

It's in moments like that, when I'm grumpy and sad, and not sure what I'm feeling that God shows me what truly to be thankful for. I'm so thankful for the ministry that I've been allowed to do here, the things I've been taught, and the steps of faith and courage that have been taken, not just in my own life, but in everyone around me too. I'm just so thankful that God's given me this home... that I was given this specific season to plant roots. And although I'm leaving, the roots are just being stretched...

reflections from within

it's sunday.. it's may 27...
where HAS the year gone??

i reflect the last almost 3 months being here in vancouver..
the new life we have..the new friends we're making..the new
EVERYTHING..at times it's almost too much to take in.. at
other times i sit in awe and can't quite believer we're here,
doing this..living the dream..

my heart is full...full of lots to give..but my humanity and all
of life's experiences sometimes make it impossible to even THINK
about giving.. you know? all that to say.. i'm thankful.

thankful for so much that is in my life... so with that. i will start
to list what i'm thankful for..

my lover..that amidst the comings and goings of the last couple weeks,
we have "us"..that we talk..that we fight..that we push thru.. i'm so thankful
that we have each other.. i simply cannot imagine living this life, my life, our
life, with anyone but he. i'm thankful he loves me, inspite of myself, and all
that i bring, and dont bring to "us".. i am thankful that we are forever.

my son..so deep..so pensive..so cute.. so athletic..so sensitive. sigh..my little
man is almost "double digits" as he has pointed out.. wow. hard to believe.
his beliefs, his values..all being more and more evident and manifested in his
life. he will be a great man.. he will do great things.. he touch many..

my baby girl.. almost in full time school...how crazy to think.. seems like not
so long ago she was crawling around..now it's dressing up and giggling and
being girlie girl. she is god's gift to me.. she accesses all the little parts in me
that were maybe unable to come out as a young child.. and i watch her and
almost see myself in her in so many ways.. in ways i never was, but in ways
that i see now, and know what is in myself , just waiting to be free..

my life.. i often look back, and do the "shoulda coulda wishda".. what if i went to
school after grad? what if i lived somewhere else? what if i travelled there? what if
i , what if i, what if i? no i dont regret my life.. i look around me and watch many
and think, would i change anything, really? i lived abroad, i had babies naturally, i
spent a year in oregon, i lived in 3 provinces, i have moved almost 30 times, i have
met some of my best friends, i have experienced things in my life that have affected
me in such an incredible spiritual way, that i look back and go, no.. where i am today
is becuz of the choices i made yesterday, and what fun i had! what adventures did
i go on! would i trade that for security? for reasoning? for logic? nah.. :) call me
crazy, call me irresponsible..call me what you'd like.. but i have lived my life to the
fullest..and will not regret.

those are some of the things i'm thankful for today.. :) maybe i'll add some more another day..

I know the secret password

hey everyone...
so as hayley and i were getting up this morning, tracer came downstairs and handed me a big envelope that said YES! on the front of it. she said, "You got something from UBC...says yes on it...what do you think it is?" and i said...nothing.
it was my acceptence to UBC...which means that i've pushed through the bureaucracy and gained entrance. it also means that i've moved into the next stage of life...one that may last 6-8 years. chuckle...it's funny...cause that's all i was thinking when she gave me the mail. you think i coulda been excited for even a sec?!
just wanted you to know. thanks for thinking and prayin for me...and welcome to the next phase of my life. let's live the dream together.
scott

hey hey hey

so as of today i officially have a permanent job! it's good! i'm excited about how i'm getting to know the people at work better. there is one guy who kinda reminds me of my old co-worker jeff. he's a little bit of a goof and he takes a joke really well.

for example, on friday, i was diligently working at my computer when all of the sudden there was a little red laser light dancing around on my screen. i whipped around, there was paul, playing with his laser temperature gun.

"Do you have to try to be annoying or does it come naturally?" I said with a smirk.

"Oh no, I don't try!" was his lippy response, delivered with a smile.

It's a fun place to work!

HELLO EVERYONE. where are we all?

I know this is usually jonathan's job but its been over 2 weeks since anyone has blogged except me., dont worry i am not on a power trip just an observation. hope you guys are all doing ok. hope to hear from someone soon.
love you all.
7+ weeks till we in BC.
brian
and super congrats on the coffee pics job trace!!!!

whats been happening with me lately

well i have been trying to stay on task working on my counseling assignments and it has been going pretty good.
I sent a text to all of you saying that I got my first assignments back that i handed in early April.
I would have to say things went well I got an A and my instructor seemed to like what i wrote and how I combined my views and the text's views. so that was a breath of fresh air.
My second assigment dealt with more about the actual addicted individual and attending some AA and NA meetings and reporting on those.
I also got the opportunity to interview a guy that has been clean for 12 years but for about 12 years from 20 on was addicted to pot and it really took over his life. It was so cool for him to talk about how he went into NA with the willingness and openness to change and his higher power enabled him to quit from that day on! so cool. hopefully i will be able to meet up with him a time or two before I leave.
Now I am dealing with psychopharmacology- yikes is what I first said too. but i am about half through the book and it seems to be dealing with drugs vs. therapy as medication options. but man they like to use big words and when i look them up on dictionary.com they are defined as like drugs affecting the mind, or the body, or the study of disease within an addiction, i wish they would just say that instead of psychobiology, pyscho this and pyscho that.. but its all good.
Other than that we have been slowly packing up some boxes which sit in the corner of our apartment. most of our weekends are taken up until we leave but i think it will be ok, well i know it will.
This has been a good week,yah thats right week, for getting out of bed and spending specific time with God. I know how important it is to do even more now as this transition happens in our lives. he has been faithful though even though sometimes i am faithless. praise God for that one.
well thats about it for now i guess. time is ticking away until we will be in sunny, thats right sunny BC.
love you all
brian