fear...

i've been thinking recently about the things that keep me from being willing to try new things or take risks... whether it's in my "career" or education, my relationships, my finances... i realize it's totally my fear of failure that prevents me from venturing into new territory.

I'm not entirely sure yet how I measure success or failure, or even where my standards came from but as I reflect on my life, it seems I've been willing to settle for lack of success rather than risk any type of failure... does that make sense? what I mean by lack of success is settling for something that isn't really challenging or exciting (and therefore not very risky) to avoid pursuing something that I might actually fail at if i try.

what really sucks the most is that i realize that i haven't even been willing to explore the passions of heart for fear that what I will find there will require me to take risks to explore. so actually i've failed before i've even started... more accurately, i've failed to even start.

God has given me gifts and talents and i've chosen to bury them, and keep them safe and unexplored so that they won't be lost or squashed. I don't want to end up like the servant in Matthew 25 who had his talent taken away because he refused to use it or do anything to try to increase it; he feared losing it more than trying to use it. and in the end it was taken from him anyway. o sigh..

i'm not willing to live like this anymore. i'll keep you posted on what that looks like! :)